Category Archives: Live Roller Derby

I might get to wear a tail.

Okay so I have totally only just calmed down enough to write this post without bursting into flames.

On Sunday, I am going to be bouting in a mixed rookie team for the first time. In public. With, like, REAL PEOPLE watching.

I am terrified.

The thing that makes it all okay?

I am going to be in a team of a real life dinosaurs, fighting actual unicorns.

Best of all, I’m playing alongside another BRDG, Smasha Cake, with a friendly pair of unicorns on the other side, in the form of Scarlett O’Harma and TinkerHell. (I apologise in advance to Tink, wife-turned-enemy).

Seriously, this might just be the pinnacle of derby greatness, right here. I’m not even sure that my imminent house purchase is matching the hype I’m feeling for this epic battle of mytho-historical poster-beasts. I GET TO SKATE ON TEAM DINOSAUR!


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Cherry annihilated

Following on from Dave’s motion-blur sweat showcase of the closed-door bout with Devon, I present to you:

Nearly Sicking In Public On The Second Best Day Of My Life.

Buoyed by the success of surviving our first ever scrim back in May, the Bath team have been working hard and progressing like the proverbial beast. With a roster largely comprising first-timers, and the Devon Clotted Screamers back for a second bite of our bout cherry*, we were absolutely raring to go.

I’d like to have remembered exciting little details of the bout buildup here, but given that I was largely trying to keep down my breakfast, I’ll leave it at ‘everyone was very excited and a bit nervous’.

After the ceremonial Sharpie arm-numbering, our first line-up was on track, and I was in it. Having not captained a team since I was 15 and a hockey-obsessed boy-child, I was kinda nervous (albeit crazy proud) to step on track with the C on my arm. (What if they’ve changed the rules again and challenging penalties involved fighting raptors with daggers? — No word of a lie, that was in my dream the night before the bout.) But it went okay: there were no prehistoric altercations, our battle cries were amusing if not terrifying, and with the help of VC Petra Bomb, and excellent bench/lineups management from Xixi Stomp and MatLovin’, Bath played a really good game. Each jam got progressively better: every single skater was focused, positive, and the perfect amount of bloodthirsty… The end score was testament to how hard everyone worked on both teams; despite Devon skating slightly short of our roster, they fought hard and it showed.

I felt like the proudest human in the entire world after the bout: it probably seems kinda dramatic to anyone reading this –  especially if you’re used to bouting fairly regularly – but skating with the Bath team, let alone the honour of captaining them for the first time, was a massive thing for me. I’ve never loved a sport – or a team – as much as this. And yes, like an exhausted infant after a birthday party, I cried on the way home. 🙂

Whilst I’m feeling emotional, I’m gonna throw it in here too that we had the best set of newbie NSOs perhaps ever. Largely co-ordinated by one of our particularly knowledgable Fresh Meat, Hannah, our NSOs were totally on it: they quickly got a good grip on timings and recording data, and at the end of the bout I was presented with a complete set of accurate stats. Ace. A massive thank you again to all the NSOs and Refs that helped out – without you guys, derby would be… well, lethal. 😛

Big congrats too to BRDGs Kerri Kon Karnage, Hardcore Blondage and Foxy Hard Knox for winning best jammer, best blocker and MVP respectively: you absolutely deserved ’em! Same goes for Devon – it was hard to choose just three players when you all gave at least as good as you got!

Can’t wait for the next one!
*Apologies for the slightly unpleasant mixed metaphor – it read differently in my head… :/

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Merby and hens

Last weekend we had Wheelia Smith’s derby hen do, which not only involved karaoke, dancing AND bowling, but also a spot of Merby action AND some international derby at Bristol’s double header event! I made my first ever banner for a bout (apologies to our playing coach Petra Bomb for what must have been the most intimidating swarm of yellow supporters in the entire world), but our crazed screaming and stomping must have done *something*, as Petra pulled some kick-ass plays, and won the well-deserved MVP award!

Congratulations also to Bristol Harbour Harlots for a sound example of how to be awesome on skates, and also to Milton Keynes Quads of War / Bristol men’s Vice Quad, for what can only be described as the most entertaining and exciting introduction to Men’s roller derby I could have hoped for. Cupcake, I love your name and tiny shorts. ❤

(By the way I totally stole two pics from Hellcat and Wheelia Smith’s Instagrams for my gallery… preemptorythankyou lovely rollergirls!)

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LRG Brawl Saints vs. Cardiff’s Tiger Bay Brawlers

Ohhhhhhmygod. That was the fastest, most exciting bout ever!

I feel faint.

Final score 204-135 to Tiger Bay Brawlers

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Bouts, booze and bearings

I think I just had the perfect weekend. Bouts, booze, bearing-cleaning, amazing chilli and a proper skate workout. So much love for Bath Roller Girls right now!

Saturday afternoon was the double-header bout for the SW:UK Derby tournament – this time hosted by Wiltshire  – and it was ace. Most of the Bath league were there shouting from the sidelines, along with Dorset’s devoted supporters and a sea of Wiltshire green.

It was an excellent introduction to live derby as most of our league had never been to a public bout. And given that the four teams playing are all still relatively new, it was inspiring to watch. I came out of it buzzing, and desperate to get skilled up to scrimmaging level with Bath!

Both bouts were incredibly close – Dorset fought hard (and very fast) against Plymouth City but after one power-jam too many from PCRG, Dorset finished up 77 to Plymouth’s 110. My favourite bit was Naz-T Bitch‘s jamming right at the start, teasing Plymouth’s (lead) jammer and single-handedly holding her back from the pack. Some great theatrics, a few star-passes, and even better skating.

Wiltshire and Kernow’s match was the closest I’ve ever seen – a critical final jam saw Kernow just pip Wiltshire to the post, and take the home win. I’m also totally fan-girling over Feral Peryl, who seemed to skate almost every jam, and packed in the apex jumps with some exceptional jamming. By the last few jams it was clear that everyone was skating to breaking point, and Wiltshire’s Cupcake or Death took some impressive damage – hoping she’s okay, she did brilliantly.

Also for the record, skate training with a hangover is unpleasant, but shiny clean bearings and happy Bath skaters are lovely 🙂

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SW:UK – Dorset kicking ass

What a day! DRG had their second (ever!) public scrim today, and I am delighted to say they kicked ASS!

After a fast-moving bout between SWAT and Plymouth’s PCRG, Dorset took on Kernow in one of the most entertaining scrims I’ve seen. With a great view (from behind the tea and cake stand) I had the pleasure of watching Dorset thump Kernow for 293 points to 78.

Highlights from the Dorset team included Rollin’ Dynamite’s sparkly gold hot pants whizzing past faster than I’ve ever seen her go, and Boots Electric with some flying leaps past the Kernow girls. As my brother put it afterwards “the other team never really got a go, she just jumped past them”.

Loads of excellent blocking from Dorset; some great bridging and walls to be proud of! More than anything I’m so impressed with the attitude of the South West teams; loads of people said afterwards how lovely Dorset especially were to watch.

So proud to be a Dorset Roller Girl right now. 🙂

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